Thursday, 26 January 2012

Breaking News: There Is A Plan

This isn't real news, just so you know. What it is is a witty and insightful piece that comments on the state of our society, politics and economy in 2012. Well, it amused me  a bit, anyway. This was originally written for the brilliant Pea Soup magazine's New Year issue. Follow Pea Soup on Twitter and Like them on Facebook for more such stuff...


2012 is upon us, folks. And just in case it is, indeed the last year before our planet goes kaput, we’d better make it a good one.

For those of you worried about the burden of more budget cuts and financial austerity, a repeat of last year’s riot-filled summer of discontent, and the ongoing scandal that is our corrupt banking system: worry no more.

In an exclusive story (not learned from listening in on imaginary governmental voicemails) we can exclusively reveal that contrary to popular belief, our fine leaders do actually have a plan.
In a two-pronged attack on all that is wrong with our country, David Cameron has announced that The Bank of England is to do away with money altogether, whilst a series of high-profile competitive games have been scheduled for the summer in order to boost morale during the change-over period, and distract people from what’s really going on.

The Prime Minister is set to reveal his full plan next week, with the complete eradication of all money due by 2013. The scheme, which has been named the Legalisation of Object Theft (LOOT), will mean that in the future nobody actually pays for anything, but instead gains it through sheer force.

The idea is based on Cameron’s insatiable desire for ‘efficiency savings’ and was trialled city-wide in London last summer, with smaller trials taking place in Birmingham, Manchester and other English cities. Speaking of the concept, Cameron says, ‘Evidence of the scheme’s potential can be found in how quickly Foot Locker cleared its entire range of trainers during our 3-day trial period. The Clapham Junction store was empty within minutes. Under conventional trading conditions, it would have taken them at least two weeks to clear the same amount of stock. A boost like that is just what our economy needs.’

One of the biggest tasks involved in the change-over is the process of destroying all our soon to be worthless money. Our forward-thinking prime minister has partnered up with good pal Boris Johnson for this task. Already on New Year’s Eve, the mayor kick-started the process with a literal bang by ceremoniously blowing up more than a quarter of a million pounds on London’s Southbank.

This is nothing compared to the amount of money he’s going to turn into pretty coloured fire under the guise of marking the prolonged reign of the Queen as well as the start and finish of the summer’s sporting activities, with £81 million earmarked for destruction. Sources are unsure whether the vaults of the Bank of England will have any money left after the closing ceremony, but if so it’s expected that this will be destroyed in a similar fashion at the end of the year, marking the start of a momentous and money-free 2013.

In a shock statement offering support for the Labour government, Cameron has been heard to thank Gordon Brown’s efforts in depleting much of the Bank’s stock of cash and gold. ‘Without such reckless spending, we’d have a far bigger job on our hands to destroy all the cash,’ he comments, before noting the irony of his words, ‘And that would just be silly because no one has jobs anymore.’

Other political parties seem ambivalent about the changeover, with Nick Griffin blaming ‘bloody foreigners’ for the need for such a radical overhaul, Ken Livingstone simply remarking, ‘it’s Boris Johnson’s fault’, and Nick Clegg commenting ‘I’m not allowed to comment because David hasn’t said I can.’

Here’s to 2012!

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